There has been much discussion on Twitter about TSOM’s future and I’m here, in a rare post direct to our followers, to address these mutterings. It is true that we are at the halfway point in our life as a podcast. In United States life expectancy, that’s 39 years and 4 months old. That’s a good run. In the last 25 episodes, we have garnered much attention and acclaim for our valiant pursuit of the worst music ever recorded. We’ve hosted dignitaries, industry experts, DJs, authors, Juggalos, and even Australians. We’ve even seen a few imitators of our format, but make no mistake, TSOM was the first to break market. Imitation truly is one of the most sincere forms for flatulence.
So, many of our followers have asked, “But why?”
There’s three key reasons…
Firstly, we have to put a deadline on our search. There is a true fear that exists here at the TSOM headquarters that we will never feel the satisfaction that we have found the worst and that we will go on for decades in our search, only leading to years of sadness and pain. In a sense, we feel liberated that we now have 25 episodes remaining to score the worst song ever. It builds a level of urgency never known in the podcast world. We have committed to the mission of finding the worst, but should we not, will that be two years of our lives wasted? Undoubtedly.
Failure is not an option. Damn it.
Second reason that we have concluded that this is best is our threshold for pain and suffering has been greatly tested. The sadness in this world we have come to know through this process has crippled our relationships with the outside world, led to sleepless nights, chemical dependency, fatigue, obesity, and the death of one of our dogs. We have lost touch with friends, become invisible to our spouses and children, become replaceable at our day jobs, and have put ourselves on the fringe of every social circle that we once were the nucleus of. I would not wish this agony on my worst enemy. We have made our very beings the sacrificial lamb in this process. We are aiming to gain our lives back after the remaining 25 episodes. Until then, we will limply march forward…broken and battered. Let these next 25 episodes represent one of the most heroic performances in podcasting history. It will push us to the brink of humanity. You’re welcome.
The last reason we have decided to conclude taping after our 50th episode is prophecy. On a run one night, Jeff had come across a coyote on a lonely farm road. This coyote had been struck and was now meeting his unfortunate demise under the West Texas moonlight, struggling with each breath to stay afloat. While this coyote lie there with the lower half of its body flattened and incapacitated, Jeff kneeled down curiously. There, Jeff broke down and began violently fitting and shouting, then reduced to a quiet and pitiful sob for close to an hour. The gravity of watching this poor animal taking his last breaths and with no way to help it left Jeff broken, and the mortality of his own creative efforts were becoming very real. In a moment that could only be expressed as confusing and without any logical explanation, Jeff then laid down on the dirt road with this dying animal and snuggled it like one would a teddy bear. When he pulled the animal in tight, the coyote shockingly muttered the words: “Please, stop.” Seconds later, it fell lifeless in his arms. Jeff has expressed to the panel that this was prophecy and that that the coyote was telling him it was time to end the podcast. Said Jeff, in an interview with a local news station, “And then there you are on a dirt road snuggling road kill. It’s just one of those moments that, if you’re not changed somehow, you’re not human. Then, this poor coyote told me to stop. Stop. I knew I had to re-evaluate the podcast at this point. I had to grant the coyote its last dying wish. Who wouldn’t?”
So, that brings us to this day. We’re a week away from officially kicking off the second half of our life. #TSOM26. We’re kicking it off with an expose into rave music or EDM (that’s electronic dance music for suckas), followed by a special Fathers’ Day episode. No way we’re slouching on the back half of our life as a podcast. In fact, we’re turning it up a notch. This is when things go from bad to worse. Good for you, as our faithful listener.
But as eclipse this momentous occasion in our life as a podcast, we feel that it’s important to do a little self-inventory. What have we learned? What are our takeaways? If we haven’t learned anything from this hardship, then what have we accomplished? Absolutely nothing. So, we asked the core four panelist (Jeff, the Erratic Assassin, the Foolish Professional, and the Dirty Deacon) with the addition of returning guest Clint Carroll (host of the new Hulk Hogan podcast, Whatcha Gonna Do?). Here are the key five takeaways from the first half of The Smell of Music from each voice.
1 Sax can save most music from being truly repulsive.
2 Perhaps, touring children choirs are enslaved. So we need to be sensitive to that.
3 The Shaggs have a truly terrifying backstory that will leave you sleepless.
4 Juggalos/Juggalettes can now qualify for home loans which is cool.
5 There is a snail that has venom. It’s a sea snail. It eats fish.
Cray the Erratic Assassin
1 There’s a Wu-Tang associate named Holocaust. He lives up to that terrible name. Goodness gracious.
2 Jeff has a giggle box.
3 Most recorded music is pretty okay.
4 The Dirty Deacon should be defrocked.
5 Don’t sleep on the liner notes.
Sam the Foolish Professional
1 Australia and Wu-Tang do mix. However, Wu-Tang and Wu-Tang do not always mix.
2 Experts who love telling you about something great get about as much of a kick out of telling you about something very impossibly bad.
3 Maybe being a Seether fan was not okay.
4 Deion had a nickname he wanted us to call him, and it was “Primetime.”
5 Clint taught me that it’s possible to love someone, but also hate them intensely.
Blake the Dirty Deacon
1 Clint is a horrible person.
2 Jeff enjoys vengeful production tactics towards his co-hosts.
3 Cray is the only educational resource on the podcast.
4 Sam is better when he is improvising everything.
5 Sax saves bad music.
Friend of the Show Clint Carroll
1 Censorship is still a problem.
2 Don’t drive crunk.
3 Don’t fuck with sea snails. They eat fish.
4 Never ever force your children to form a family band.
5 There aren’t a lot of words that rhyme with Deion.
End of message.