For this episode, the TSOM panel set out to endure the very worst music by kid “musicians.” They sing, they rap, and they even yodel, for Christ’s sakes. And, our TSOM gets the distinct displeasure of determining the worst. Now, a full disclaimer here: TSOM is not trying to be dreamcrushers of tomorrows musical genius here. We realize that the nature of these projects are largely parents pressuring their poor powerless children into a world of bad deals, sleazy record executives, and shitty, shitty music. So, to quote TSOM’s very own Sam Bennett, “shame on them.” Yes, shame on them…the parents. They’re throwing their last dime into a shallow wishing well. Hear what this desperation sounds like as we enjoy the worst music by kid performers.
Voices: J. Wyrick, S. Bennett, C. Allred, and the Dirty Deacon, Blake Collier.
Intro music contains elements of M.Barnacle’s “Erase That” (used with permission), contains Johnny Carson and Raven Simone, the Fat Boys, Kid Koala, Johnny Adams, Biggie Smalls coughing up something nasty, Larry and Tommy. Arranged by TSOM’s Jeff.
2:15: The Dirty Deacon replies to a compliment about his apartment with, “You’re welcome.”
3:29: Chani “I’m So Fly” (Chani, 2008)
7:14: The panel discusses Chani. Cray gives us an example of “trill.”
8:30: Updated Amazon Prime cost is $16.84, so it’s moving in the right direction.
8:47: Blake goes into his best radio voice.
9:19: Blake’s a big fan
9:32: Billy Gilman “There’s a Hero” (Sony, 2000)
12:35 The panel discusses Billy Gilman’s “There’s a Hero.” Blake just hates for a moment because he’s jealous.
14:10: Sam is clearly not paying attention to the lyrics and spends about 20 seconds proving it.
15:00: Sam “Credit Where It’s Due” Bennett gets sassy.
15;33: Matty B Raps “Ms. Jackson” (MattyBRaps, 2013)
18:43: Jeff didn’t have any clue that Matty B Raps was white. Obviously, everyone else did.
19:14: See the video in all of its glory. It has, at the time of taping, received over 58 million fucking views.
19:53: Jeff gives Matty B a little love by pitching a show in Atlanta, that is, by the time this airs, in the past. Sorry, bro.
20:25: Cray leans in. Parental involvement, appropriation, and failure to a proper album, but instead just releasing singles. Three strikes.
21:10 Then, Jeff wishes death allegedly on Matty B Raps.
22:22: Julianna Allen “I Want to Be a Cowboy’s Dreamgirl” (Julianna Allen, 2005)
24:30: The TSOM panel discusses Julianna Allen’s “I Want to Be a Cowboy’s Dreamgirl.” Compared to Matty B Raps, her Youtube video of this song has received exactly 5 views. Three of which are likely TSOM panelists.
25:40: The champ speaks about his sources. And then we get an update of the TSOM P/L…currently in the red by -$1.36. Then there’s a plead for someone to buy a mug. They’re super sweet. Apparently, Cray is money bags.
26:29: Joanna Allen’s “Beautiful World” (Joanna Allen, 2008)
30:10: The TSOM panel discusses Joanna Allen’s “Beautiful World” and the mating habits of primitive cultures.
32:40: The champ goes in for the trident…sealing his victory.
34:43: Cray gives the TSOM panel a scapegoat, evading all hate for criticizing children.
35:00: The panel discusses the Stinky Pinky picks. “Beautiful World” takes it in a sweep. The second sweep in the history of TSOM.
36:10: Cray plays the lightening round. The correct answers you’ll never know.
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